Do you know the cannabis man?
by AppleJuiceMaster
Summary: Sirius and Remus found out a *secret* from Snape, and decide to go and tell Harry! A tiny bit slash here and there, but it's meant to be funny!
1. The madness begins!

I do not own anything, as you maybe already knew...  
  
  
  
Sirius and Remus sat in their garden, enjoying the nice summer evening.  
  
'You know what I can do?' Sirius asked, with a drunken smile on his face. Remus sighed. 'No, I don't. Tell me.' 'I can do the whole "Thriller" dance!' Sirius replied.  
  
Remus looked at him, raising one eyebrow. 'When did you learn THAT?!' Sirius shrugged. 'The guy I "roomed" with in Azkaban taught me.' 'Those Dementors have more effect than I ever thought...' Remus said.  
  
'Can I have you umbrella?' Sirius asked. 'My what?' Sirius pointed at the red umbrella in Remus' drink. 'Oh yeah... sure...'  
  
Remus handed Sirius the umbrella, who stuck it in his black hair, next to his own green umbrella. 'Look! They're brothers!' 'That's nice, Sirius, that's nice...' To his horror, Sirius started to sing. 'Do you know the umbrella man, the umbrella man...'  
  
'HEY! Shut up, Black!' A voice came from the garden next to them. Sirius climbed on his chair and looked into the other garden. 'Hiya Severus!' He said, smiling and waved at him. 'Do YOU know the umbrella man?' 'I'm afraid I do...' Severus replied.  
  
'What plants are you growing there?' Sirius asked, eyeing a familiar one in Severus' garden. 'I... uh... er...' He stand in front of the plant. 'What are you talking about?' He asked innocently. Sirius grinned. 'You're not fooling anyone! I know what that is!'  
  
Remus snorted, he also knew about their neighbours' plants. Sirius started to sing again. 'Do you know the cannabis man, the cannabis man...' 'Yes, I do!' Remus said. 'I believe he lives next to us.' Sirius sat down again. 'You are correct sir! He has weeds in his garden!'  
  
'Yeah, and he's not the only one...' Remus replied, looking around their garden, which was full of weeds and random plants. 'I like the untamed look of it.' Sirius said, walking into the house to get another drink, but not before tripping over a lawngnome that was running around.  
  
Remus sighed. What a fine evening it was, so quiet, so peaceful... Sirius came running outside, his eyes wide. 'I'VE GOT SUCH A GREAT IDEA!' 'I bet. Tell me!' Remus said, knowing this was going to be another no sense making, idiotic plan.  
  
'We're going to Harry and tell him about Severus' plants!' Sirius said, looking very proud of himself. 'I am a GENIUS!' Remus looked at him. 'Then what?! What's the point of it?' The genius shrugged. 'Who cares?! Let's go!' 'Oh all right...'  
  
  
  
What will happen next? Will they go to Harry and tell him about Snape's plants? And if they do, who cares? What will Harry do? Do you like the story?  
  
Stay tuned & please review! 


	2. On to the Sirius Mobile!

Owning? No. End of the disclaimer.  
  
  
  
Sirius and Remus flew trough the air on Sirius' motorcycle (He got it back again), both slightly drunk and acting like idiots. 'I'm not drunk!' Sirius said, blowing on a whistle. 'A bit tipsy, maybeeee...'  
  
He sang the muffin man song till they reached 4 Privet Drive. They walked to the door. Sirius eyed the doorbell. 'Ooohh!! Let me push it!!! Please let me push it!!!' He begged. Remus smiled. 'You can push it.' So Sirius pushed on the doorbell for a long, long time.  
  
After a minute ringing, he looked at Remus, disappointed. 'They don't answer the pretty ringing...' 'Let me push it!' Remus pushed on the doorbell, but nothing happened. 'Alohamora!' The door opened. 'Who's the genius now ?' He said, a satisfied smirk on his face. 'Fred Flintstone.' Sirius replied. They looked at each other for a moment, than shrugged and stepped inside the house.  
  
Remus noticed a post-it note on the wall, saying 'We left for Spain for a week. Except for the Potter kid, of course.' 'Such coincidence.' Sirius commented.  
  
They heard Harry's voice in the living-room. 'No, Draco! Get off me! This won't work...' 'OK, thanks a lot, now I'm plain STUCK!' Draco Malfoy's voice came from the room too. Sirius and Remus looked at each other, shocked.  
  
'Harry... and... MALFOY?!' Remus managed to say. Sirius shrugged. 'If he earned his fathers' looks, I can kind of understa-' Remus elbowed him. 'Ow! I mean... O my God!' They listened more closely, hearing muffled sounds and moaning.  
  
'OK, that's enough! I'm going in there!' Sirius said. 'You can't do that! You won't like it either if someone walked in when we are-' But it was too late, Sirius already busted trough the door. Remus ran after him.  
  
They both looked down at the two boys, who were playing Twister. 'Sirius?' Harry said, surprised, falling on the floor. 'HA! I win again! I am the King of Twister!' Draco said, full of triumph.  
  
'I... I thought... you... and... HIM (pointing at Draco) were... I... ewwww...' Sirius stammered. Harry looked puzzled. 'What?' Than he realised what Sirius had thought. His eyes widened. 'Are you INSANE?!' Sirius shrugged. 'Is the pope catholic? If you heard what we heard, you'd think the very same thing...'  
  
Harry looked at him in disgust. 'I'd never do something like THAT... with Malfoy.' He added. Draco opened his mouth to say something. 'ANYWAY... whar are you doing here?!' He asked quickly. 'Oh yeah... we need to tell you something...'  
  
  
  
  
  
How will Harry and Draco react on the news that Snape is growing weed in his garden? What was Draco doing at Harry's anyway? What did you think of this chapter?  
  
Stay tuned and review please!  
  
~AppleJuiceMaster 


	3. Let's play Twister!

If you checked the other chapters, you'll see I don't own anything. And it hasn't changed.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sirius looked around, for a dramatic effect. After about two minutes looking around, he slowly said. 'I've got to tell you something...' Another dramatic pause. Harry was getting impatient, he wanted to play Twister with Draco again!! 'Well?!'  
  
  
  
Remus sighed. 'Get on with it, Sirius!' 'Oh all right! It's a secret... about... Snape...' Draco raised one eyebrow. 'I sure hope this has nothing to do with my father, because he swore that was just a one time thing.' Everyone stared at him. 'Really!'  
  
  
  
Another long, dramatic silence. Remus rolled his eyes. 'Snape is growing cannabis in his garden.' Sirius whined 'I was going to say that, you... you... MEANY!' Harry looked surprised. 'For medical use, I assume?' 'Don't be such a idiot! He's a stoner!' Remus said, annoyed by the boy's stupidity.  
  
  
  
Draco shrugged. 'You should see all the things he's growing in his office and bedroom, it's amazing!' Sirius looked at him. 'What were you doing in his BEDROOM?!!' Draco looked around, desperate to find something to change the subject.  
  
  
  
'Errr... wanna play Twister with us?' He asked, glad he found something to talk about. 'Yeah, it will be lots of fun!!!' Harry added. Sirius and Remus looked at each other for a moment. 'Sure! Where's the booze in this place...'  
  
######### SOME TIME LATER ###########  
  
  
  
  
  
'Left... no... wait... RIGHT ha... no... FEET on yel... no, wait... what's this colour, Draco?' Harry asked, a bit drunk. Draco looked at the colour- spinning thing (You know what I mean). 'Er... uhmm... purple?' 'There is no purple on Twister, you silly boy!!' Sirius said, stuck between Remus and Harry. 'Oh... then it's red!'  
  
  
  
They tried to get their feet on red. Harry and Remus fell down. 'It's between you and me, Malfoy!' Sirius said, grinning. 'Oh, I remember how I always defeated your father at Twister...' he trailed off, hiccupped and fell on the floor. 'HA! The almighty Draco Malfoy, King of Twister and Cookieland wins AGAIN!' Draco said. 'I don't want to play this game anymore.' Remus complained.  
  
'Let's have and orgy!!' Sirius suggested. They all stared at him. Than Remus shrugged. 'It's better than Twister.' Harry, drunk, but not drunk enough to have an orgy with his godfather and former teacher, sighed. 'Not today, guys... I got an headache.' 'Aww... What about you?' Sirius looked at Draco. 'I... err... I don't know... I mean... damn... what about... NO!' Sirius looked disappointed. 'Party pooper! Just like your father was! Never wanted to join us... What were you doing here anyway?!'  
  
Draco, too drunk to talk himself out of this one, looked at Harry. 'He... well... we... err... kinda... you know...' 'Felt like shagging?' Remus added. Draco looked at him, oddly. 'No... he asked me to come over to crossdress, but I preferred Twister.' Remus looked thoughtful. 'Yeah... crossdressing is fun, but not as fun as Twister.' Everyone nodded.  
  
  
  
  
  
What shall happen next? Does it matters? Do you even liked this chapter?  
  
Stay tuned & review please! 


	4. The no name chapter!

Once again, I do not own. So do not sue. Mmmmkay?  
  
  
  
Harry was laying on the floor, making 'ground angels'. Draco and Remus were playing chess, having their own rules since they forgot the real ones and Sirius was hanging on the couch, drinking, trying to figure out how the TV worked.  
  
  
  
'So... I guess... no orgy?' He slurred. The rest shook their heads, Harry hit his head in doing so. 'You can always shove this up yer ass.' Remus said, handing Sirius Draco's queen. Draco laughed (Yes, indeed, he LAUGHED! But then again, he was drunk, so I guess it doesn't counts... never mind) 'That's MY queen!' He tried to get it back from Sirius, who was waving it trough the air.  
  
  
  
'Whoops! Got your nose!' Draco said, indeed holding his nose. They both laughed like maniacs. Draco fell on his ground on the floor. 'Oh God!' 'You can call me Sirius!' Sirius said. 'Damn I almost piss my pants!' They laughed some more. 'Seriously, where's the bathroom in this place?' Draco said, more to himself, while trying to get up.  
  
  
  
'I'll show you!' Harry said, also trying to get off his feet. Draco got up first, walking (or better to say, stumbling) over to Harry. 'Help me up!' Harry said, reaching out his hand to Draco. He took his hand and tried to pull him up. 'You're heavy!' He complained. 'No I'm not! You just don't have enough muscles!' Harry pulled hard at Draco's hand, causing him to fall, right on top of Harry! Such coincidence!  
  
  
  
Remus looked away as they started making out. 'Blah... they don't want an orgy with us, but do want each other! Damn new generation. I am honestly hurt...' Sirius suddenly screamed. 'WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE SHOW?!!!' Harry tried to look at the television. 'Outta my way, blondy!' He pushed Draco off him, letting him fall flat on his face. '...ow...' Harry crawled over to the television.  
  
  
  
'Oh... it's The Jerry Springer show!' He said, sounding like Hermoine. Sirius looked at him in horror. 'Are Muggle relationships always like this?!' He asked, in disbelief. Harry shrugged. 'In America, yes.' (No offence, btw! Please don't kill me!)  
  
SUDDENLY, they heard a loud noise. They all turned their heads *except for Draco, that is* towards the noise. A huge fireplace was there, and they saw some familiar faces. 'Hey it's... YOU... and... and... that other... guy... and... the rest?' Harry stammered, half recognising them. 'Hey! You're that guy who still owns me five bucks!' Remus said. 'And I used to... I... er... no, wait... I did nothing...' Sirius said, muttering to himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
Who are these familiar people? And what are they doing here?  
  
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT *EXCITING* EPISODE OF... DO YOU KNOW THE CANNABIS MAN? (That sounds pathetic) 


	5. The unexpected guests and some more!

Thank you all for your lovely reviews! I love reading every one of them! Thank you so much!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry stared at the people blankly. 'And... err... you are... that person... right??'  
  
So who ARE they? And what are they doing there?! Find out on the next chapter!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nah just jokin'!  
  
  
  
Draco rolled around and tried to sit on the floor. 'Christ! It's those Weasels and Grangut!' And, like, OMG! There were indeed 4 Weasleys (Ron, Fred, George and Ginny) and Hermoine! Draco is such a smart boy!  
  
'Heeey! I remember you! You are that girl with the brown hair... and you are the kids with the red hair!' Remus said. 'So... MANY... AHHH IT'S AN INVASION OF RED HAIRED KIDS!!' Sirius yelled, trying to run towards the door, but ran into the wall instead. Everyone ignored this.  
  
'Now, did I hear there's a party in here? And nobody invited MOI??!!!' Fred (or George) said, disappointed. 'Hey, sexy! I want to do a lap-dance for you!' Hermoine said, looking at Draco. 'Sorry, no can do! I'm going to marry Harry! Hey that rhymed!' Draco grinned.  
  
'YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY?!!!!!!!!!!!' Everyone yelled at Harry (Hehe it rhymes! ^___^ Errr... yeah -__-") Harry looked around, puzzled. 'I... I am?!' 'No, you silly, do you?' Draco said, still grinning about his little rhyme. 'I do?' 'HOORAY! I just proposed you, and you said "I do"!!' Draco hugged Harry's leg.  
  
Ron stared at Draco, confused. 'But... But... I thought... you... and me...YOU CHEATED ON ME!!!!' He yelled at him. 'Pfff... do you really think I can remember ALL one night stands?!!'  
  
SUDDENLY (It's all so suddenly...) ANOTHER loud crash is heard. 'Like, OMG! Something just, like, totally, like, came trough the, like, you know, window!' Remus yelled. And indeed, something has just flown trough the window! They all stared at the floor, where someone was laying. Someone with greasy, black hair, and a big-ass nose! It was...  
  
'THE MUFFIN MAN!!!' Sirius shrieked. 'No you idiot! It's... SNAPE!!!' George (or Fred) said. 'Oh... the CANNABIS man!' Sirius corrected himself. Snape got up, even more pissed off as usual. He stared at everyone, then slowly said. 'This is a silly story...' 'Heh, you said  
  
"silly"!' Ginny commented. Ron kicked her. (Hooray!)  
  
'Anyway...' Snape continued, just as slowly. 'It's called "Do you know the cannabis man?' Which means, me!' Everyone slowly nodded their heads. Snape suddenly spoke very fast and whiny. 'I only had a few lines in this stupid story!! It's SO UNFAIR!! It's not fair, it nooooot!!' He whined.  
  
ANOTHER SUDDENLY, flames EVERYWHERE! 'OMG!' Ron hurried and got a bucket of water, throwing it on the fire. And lo and behold, there stood a guy. In a suit. Soaked. And looking an awfully lot as Snape. Only his hairstyle was much, much, MUCH better. He growled. 'CHRIST! Why do keep humans doing that?!! This was my last suit, and also my best! And YOU (pointing at Ron) RUINED IT!!!!! Catch my drift!?!'  
  
Hermoine suddenly shrieked. 'LIKE, OMG!!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU!!!!! You're the Metatron!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! Can I have your autograph, pretty pretty pleaaaseeee!?!' Metatron now smiled. 'Wow! The very first time someone recognises me! What's your name?' He asked. 'Hermoine Granger.' She answered, swooning. 'Granger... I'll remember that...'  
  
He noticed everyone was staring at him. 'Oh yeah, right... Idiots... again... I am The Metatron, the Voice of God, because the real voice of God is way to powerful, blah blah blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... I came here to tell the author to stop this nonsense story!!' Me: 'Aw come on!' Metatron shook his head. 'No! This story is bullshit, so I'll make you stop this!' Me: 'Oooh really? I can do whatever I want to do with this story... watch this!' All of the sudden, Ron dropped dead on the floor. 'Whooooops, did I do that?! Wait, I've got a better idea...'  
  
Harry held up a bottle of Tequila. 'Wanna join the party, Metaguy?' Metatron gasped. 'All right, all right! Let this wonderful story continue!'  
  
  
  
  
  
And so they danced to the "Thriller" song, Sirius leading, around Ron's dead body and got all piss drunk.  
  
Metatron thought Snape was his long lost twin brother, Hermoine and Ginny did a striptease, Fred and George watched TV all night, Remus got pregnant from Sirius, Draco and Harry played some more Twister and Lucius came over to drag Draco home, but got drunk too, finally confessing his feelings for Snape.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Kinda crappy ending, eh? Oh well... Hope you enjoyed it anyway! =D Review, pretty pretty pleaaseeee? 


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